Fear, death and life - personal Blog

When I was younger I used to enjoy slasher movies and teen murder films like Scream or I know what you did last summer. Generally they never scared me, the one that did was Final destination where Death itself would stalk those who had dodged a disaster do that it could balance the books.

It wasn't the movie or the the manner the characters were killed but the personification of Death itself. The same is true for the Sixth sense and the idea of death and hauntings.

I'm an atheist, have been since I was a kid for various different reasons and one of the side effects is that death becomes final. There is no after life, no heaven, when this roller coaster ends it is literally the end and everything comes to an end and that is TERRIFYING.

At my Grandfather's funeral, the priest, a close family friend asked:

Peter read many books, amassed a vast amount of knowledge but where has it all gone? It has gone with him and is lost.

Suddenly it all seems futile.

To be honest, part of me is in panic just writing this.

So, moving on...

On Boxing day my other Grandfather was picked up by the Police in Asda in a very confused state. My sister had said she'd spoken to him the day before and had said he was sounding confused and a little out of it, but nothing prepares you for the call from the Police.

It is strange, I never thought it would happen to him. Grandad has always been as sharp as a tack. He got out of his military service early through a loophole, wangled a great job that paid him near enough triple wages and taught himself trigonometry! Even at the ripe age of 91 he knew what was what.

I guess all the time on his own has started to tell on him, my Nan died some five years ago. He tries to get out and about still and my Mum sees him every week. I, don't see him often, or 'phone him as often as I should. Modern life and the pressures of family and job eat up so much of my time...

This morning I was going to visit him and give my sister my prognosis and it caused me great concern. I realised that before Death there is old age. I'd love to be a grandparent, I want to be fun and wise like mine were but I never really thought of the frailty that comes with it.

Pop fell on bad knees and contracted pneumonia and was dead in a week. Nanny suffered from Dementia that slowly killed her and robbed her of herself over many years.

Either the body fails the mind or your mind the body.

I don't want to be a mere shadow of myself trapped in a physical or mental Bastille. Sounds selfish I guess but it is the beginning of a fear manifesting itself.

None of us can really foretell the future, I could be struck by a 182 bus tomorrow or die in my bed at the age of 120 having just written my third PHD thesis.

Like Death, it is just another thing I shouldn't think about it or worry. Life is, after all, a journey and it is better to concentrate on the road directly in front of you than on the horizon.

As the song says;

why worry because worrying is as effective at solving a problem as chewing bubble gum

Monday trains

Through darkness we stare at the countryside.
The crisp cold of winter touching our faces,
The lucky few huddled around a heater,
Others slumped on the floor under their coats.

Why? Why? Why? Someone shouts in vexation.
There is always someone who cracks up first,
Most of us have seen this countless times before and since.

Anger buried by years of the same slog,
Fatigue and weariness blur our senses
This I'd truly the journey of the damned
Another delayed Southeastern train ride

A moment of introspection

The Sims 3 introduced a solid "life aim" for players to achieve for their Sims. Some want business success, others want to find love, others want a large family and that got me thinking.

My wife has achieved her goal. She'd always wanted marriage, mortgage and babies. At 27 she has what she wanted.

At 32, however, I'm still wandering. I've kind of gone from plan A to Plan B and now I'm on Plan C +1 and like a clump of dislodged Kelp I'm drifting in the tide.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and although they weren't originally in my plan I'm grateful that they're here.

Plan A was to go into Marine Biology but my grades weren't good enough so I fell back on History. Plan B was to go all the way and do a PHD in History but I stumbled during my Masters and after spending about twenty years studying I had had enough. I still regret not finishing it.

Plan C was to "Wait and see" and after moving back to Medway and getting a job I hoped to use past experience and qualifications to go far - it's not happened so plan C +1 is in action - drift.

I have no real Political ambitions beyond Medway and then that is often curtailed by other draws on my time, like work and family. My options for progression at work is dependent on a lot of people either leaving, retiring or suddenly ceasing to be. Also to be honest, I'm not enjoying it anyway.

I'd thought about trying to get back into Marine Biology but I'm a little too old and i'd have a decade on everyone else employment wise. Also there is a distinct lack of money!

I still day dream of the teenage wish to head out into the wilds of Canada, see Mount Logan, walk from Skagway to Alaska but at the moment it is unlikely to happen. Instead my wanderlust is sated wandering London or Medway and planning a hike around Boxley & Aylesford and adding places to my foursquare wish list.

I'm trying to write more, I have ideas but run out of steam. I must finish Into the Dark and see if I can get it published for Kindle, after all, of the four aspiring writers from Uni, I'm still the only one unpublished.

Still, having a life goal can be overrated as the listless wanderers have more experiences and fun - as long as you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say "I'm happy"