Fear, death and life - personal Blog

When I was younger I used to enjoy slasher movies and teen murder films like Scream or I know what you did last summer. Generally they never scared me, the one that did was Final destination where Death itself would stalk those who had dodged a disaster do that it could balance the books.

It wasn't the movie or the the manner the characters were killed but the personification of Death itself. The same is true for the Sixth sense and the idea of death and hauntings.

I'm an atheist, have been since I was a kid for various different reasons and one of the side effects is that death becomes final. There is no after life, no heaven, when this roller coaster ends it is literally the end and everything comes to an end and that is TERRIFYING.

At my Grandfather's funeral, the priest, a close family friend asked:

Peter read many books, amassed a vast amount of knowledge but where has it all gone? It has gone with him and is lost.

Suddenly it all seems futile.

To be honest, part of me is in panic just writing this.

So, moving on...

On Boxing day my other Grandfather was picked up by the Police in Asda in a very confused state. My sister had said she'd spoken to him the day before and had said he was sounding confused and a little out of it, but nothing prepares you for the call from the Police.

It is strange, I never thought it would happen to him. Grandad has always been as sharp as a tack. He got out of his military service early through a loophole, wangled a great job that paid him near enough triple wages and taught himself trigonometry! Even at the ripe age of 91 he knew what was what.

I guess all the time on his own has started to tell on him, my Nan died some five years ago. He tries to get out and about still and my Mum sees him every week. I, don't see him often, or 'phone him as often as I should. Modern life and the pressures of family and job eat up so much of my time...

This morning I was going to visit him and give my sister my prognosis and it caused me great concern. I realised that before Death there is old age. I'd love to be a grandparent, I want to be fun and wise like mine were but I never really thought of the frailty that comes with it.

Pop fell on bad knees and contracted pneumonia and was dead in a week. Nanny suffered from Dementia that slowly killed her and robbed her of herself over many years.

Either the body fails the mind or your mind the body.

I don't want to be a mere shadow of myself trapped in a physical or mental Bastille. Sounds selfish I guess but it is the beginning of a fear manifesting itself.

None of us can really foretell the future, I could be struck by a 182 bus tomorrow or die in my bed at the age of 120 having just written my third PHD thesis.

Like Death, it is just another thing I shouldn't think about it or worry. Life is, after all, a journey and it is better to concentrate on the road directly in front of you than on the horizon.

As the song says;

why worry because worrying is as effective at solving a problem as chewing bubble gum

What am I doing with my life? Help please!!!

At somepoint this morning everything cracked and I found myself telephoning my wife and asking;

"What am I doing?"

"I don't know. What are you doing?"

"Well I'm on my way to work... I meant in life."

"Oh... do you..."

"Obviously not you and Sophie... Just everything else!"

I had been reading "One day" and was relating to Em's post university crisis of not achieving all that she had dreamed of and being defeated by the city of London. I started thinking about how I'd felt post degree and how I had hoped and dreamed and now....

Now I'm sat in a darkened room doing the same things day in and out for a company I'm no longer thrilled to be working for.

At 10.02 am I answer the same phone call "Hello Fred......... Thanks Fred....." EVERY LATE SHIFT.

I think about what some of my friends are doing with their lives or even what my sister is doing and it saddens me.

Other than my wife and daughter, of which I am eternally thankful and a hand full of close friends I've a massive hole in my life... I mean what is it all about?

In my spare time I write... not meandering rants/pleas for help like this but prose and essays that I publish on line but ultimatly what does it achieve? Nothing.
I read a lot too. I amass great swathes of fascinating (to me) information about people who are long dead and governments of countries that no longer exist and for what?

I want to do more Lib dem stuff but ultimatly can't imagine what it would achieve and I don't have the time or money to get as involved as I want to either. I just feel life has cornered me and is happily kicking the crap out of me and that Game Over is looming over my head.

I guess I'm reaching the point that I need some direction, I want to do something worth while, something productive or feel productive... Like I am doing something to benefit others, myself or society rather than sat in comfy chairs eatting Haribo waiting for the shift to end and wondering what the hell has happened with life.